[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.