Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
You Might Also Like
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The struggle is real
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?