Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
i dont have time for this
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.