Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
You Might Also Like
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
scrabbled eggs
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”