A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*