[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”