If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
no their not
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.