Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.