Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point