I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate