Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo