learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
That’s what I call a flat tire
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Grandmother clock.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken