me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
pls suprot
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.