When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?