First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
so this horse walks into a bar
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?