Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Terribly Tuesday.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]