Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
😂😂😂
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House