Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
they split up moments later
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.