A fake ID that makes you younger
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!