Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.