NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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Never forget.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
WTF
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend