“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Looking at you, Jesus.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right