One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Mmmm. Shoeshi
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.