Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.