How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise