god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A leaf blower, but for people.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill