Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*