My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
This hospital has everything
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*