Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
tell em, edith-anne
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.