The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.