Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.