i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Dammit Chief not again
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Does it…does it take 3 days
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off