If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?