[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.