Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I had to Stop for this
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.