Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i guess his teacher was really pissed
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”