Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead