Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.