when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.