I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.