A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.