Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Love this one 😂🧟
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
lot going on here, legally speaking.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.