Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Sign at work today
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.