One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023