Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
In banana years, I am bread.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet