*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.