She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.