Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Only Americans understand
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
i made a craigslist ad !
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”