I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.