I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
seems fine
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Your secret is safeish with me
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away